Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
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Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks