*gets on 1 knee*
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
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1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
*wears reindeer antlers*
*steals your wallet*