Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

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*gets on 1 knee*
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack


1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store


I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.


I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.


Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared


Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!


Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…


Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!


*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*