HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
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I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
it was love at first sight
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Sing it!
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?