*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
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The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I love the National Park Service.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Probably my best painting.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.