Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
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911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
repaired
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
The Weeknd is back
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.