Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
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Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me: