I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
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Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
I don’t like Russian dolls.
They are so full of themselves.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.