HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
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exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.