Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
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the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.