Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
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Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.