husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
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The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one