Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
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like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong