Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
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Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
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Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Weirdly Wednesday.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex