Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
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I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
no their not
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it