Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
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The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files