Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
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My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Facebook memories be like
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.