@ramblinma

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

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@NYC_Blonde

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

@Reverend_Scott

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

@mazizkhalifa

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

@DarkerWillow

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

@steveolivas

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

@dril

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

@dreamthievin

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

@1Happytwit

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.