@NYC_Blonde I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
@ramblinma Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
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@NYC_Blonde 
@Reverend_Scott [interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
@mazizkhalifa People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
@Kenworthy79 In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
@DarkerWillow My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
@maryfairybobrry We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
@steveolivas Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
@dril my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
@dreamthievin I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
@1Happytwit When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.