Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
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ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.