Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
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After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.