Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
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Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Pretty certain I can more drunk
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)