Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
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My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
This meal prepping shit easy
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Jesus Christ lmao
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
me opening up to someone