Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
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5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich