Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
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Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
With this onion ring, I thee fed
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.