Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
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“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Death certificates are our last participation award.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.