Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
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*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?