Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
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My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho