Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
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You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
🙋♀️
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020