Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
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I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
23. the denim jacket
I wish all tests were things you peed on