Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.

It’s less hassel that way.

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?