Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
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Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.