Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
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🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.