Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
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Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.