Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
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Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Sticker placement is key.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo