Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.