Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

You Might Also Like


An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.


Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out


Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine


Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.


First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.


Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer


During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.



Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?


In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.


“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?


(I begin to cry)