@sixfootcandy

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

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@GoldenSpirals

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

@AlexBlechman

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine

@cravin4

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

@notalogin

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

@4ScoreN20Dabs

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

@sweetcrazyweird

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

@JermHimselfish

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

@Marlebean

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)