Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
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Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
waiting for halloween be like:
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.