Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
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[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”