Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
You Might Also Like
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.