Husband of the year 😂
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Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
You are not alone 💚
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.