Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
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The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
“Your password is two weeks.”
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Posting this on behalf of a friend