Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
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i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?