[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
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I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Happy Caturday!
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Twitter is an abusement park.
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