Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
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911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Stick it to the man
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Skipping is exerciseā¦thatās why Iām always skipping the gym.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
My blood type is b hungry.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Living with downstairs neighbors.. š
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are āso many birdsā in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, thatās who.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, ādonāt fill your plate if you canāt finish itā so today Iām only having dessert
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with āRegards, (my name)ā or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled meā
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: Iām your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.