husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
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My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100