*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
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chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.