Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
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Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.