Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
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I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis