Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
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I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Always the camel, never the toe.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.