Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
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in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.