Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
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Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
*cough*
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems