Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
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ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor