*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
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Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
the red hot silly peppers
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
can’t believe I got front row seats
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words