Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.